Terrell Suggs Says Ravens Are In A State of Emergency, and He Is Right

T-Sizzle hath spoken. We have reached the Bye Week and it’s time to do some soul searching. We are at a State of Emergency. If Sizzle is going to rise up as the leader of this team and fill the shoes of Ray Lewis, then it starts here. The second half won’t be easy, but after bodies dropped all over the NFL this past week, it could get a bit easier. The only problem is the division. It’s wide open and at this point its the Bengals title to lose.

Week 9 @ Cleveland: The boys are going to roll into Cleveland and steamroll them. Not quite sure how they beat Cinci, but we are going to come out hot after this Bye Week and rip the Browns and their bitter fan base a new one. Ravens 27 Browns 3

Week 10 vs. Cincinatti: This one is huge. The team has a chance to show the fans what kind of a team we are going to see going forward. If we are going to have any chance of picking up the shit and coming out on top then it starts with the run game and running over the Bengals D. The Bengals are giving up about 100 rushing yards a game at this point and I think that’s exactly what it is going to take to beat them Week 10. Ray Rice has a huge day. 100+ and 2 scores for Ray Fried. As for the D, I think the secondary finally brings it together and will show the hometown crowd a pick 6, and put Andy Dalton and his firecrotch in his place. Ravens 31 Bengals 17

Week 11 @ Chicago: If you had asked me about this game before Week 8, I would have pinpointed this as a tough matchup. Bears offense was clicking, Cutler was playing well, and the defense was showing flashes of the typical vintage Bears defensive dominance. With Cutler almost definitely being out for this game and a banged up defense, I think the Ravens take this one. Torrey Smith is currently leading the NFL is receiving yards, but hasn’t been able to connect with Joe Flacco in the end zone. That is going to change in the second half, and I look to see him have a huge game in Chicago. Ravens 24 Bears 9

Week 12 vs. New York Jets: Ha. Ravens 42 Jets 7

Week 13 vs. Pittsburgh: Thanksgiving night. Under the lights. At Home. There’s no one I hate more than this team (Well maybe that team from New England). But Fuck Big Ben. Fuck them. No way we don’t pull out the black on black uniforms and take revenge against the division rival, Steelers. I will be at this game and you can be sure it is going to get real physical, real quick. There’s absolutely no way we lose to the Steelers twice in a season, or at home, or on Thanksgiving. Not once, not never. The entire team has this game circled going forward. I want to say that we come back for revenge at home and annihilate in this game, but conventional wisdom tells me it’s going to be another 3 point victory in our favor. Close game, low score, hard fought. Ravens 23 Steelers 20

Week 14 vs. Minnesota: I’ve gotta say that our rush defense has not been extremely impressive as of late. I didn’t like giving up 120 to Eddie Lacy at home, and it almost scares me that AP All Day could go for over 200 in this game. But fuck that. Ravens are cruising at this point and Sizzle will have this team under his belt. Harbs has already threatened trading and cutting players to get this team moving. I’m hoping we somehow pull in another receiver and are jiving offensively by this point. This one scares me a little bit, but I’m still saying we take the Vikings handily. They are too one dimensional and we win this one in typical Ravens fashion. Ravens 17 Vikings 7

Week 15 @ Detroit: Detroit does not scare me one bit. The Ravens secondary has handled AJ Green and I don’t think Megatron will be a huge issue. We go on the road, and get the job done. Ravens 31 Lions 16

Week 16 vs. Patriots: I’ll be at this one. Circled this the day the schedule came out. There’s a good chance this game will mean something for the both of us. Cincinatti is going to take us down to the final week of the season, and I’m sure this will be a game the Patriots will need if they want to have home field, which they will need if they want any chance of returning to the AFC Championship. It’s going to be a cold one. It’s going to be high energy. It’s going to be awesome. This matchup is slowly becoming a rivalry year in and year out. Sizzle has Tom Brady’s number. He gets off on the thought of crushing Tom Brady to shreds. Look for him to do that here again. Predicting Sizzle to have 3 sacks and for Brady to go down a dozen times. Ravens take it on a last second field goal. Ravens 27 Patriots 24

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Week 17 at Cincinatti: At this point I’m almost certain that this game is going to decide the division. I see us both heading to the playoffs again, but there is no way that we let Cincinatti win this division. They have a solid team. Dalton is proving himself to be a decent NFL quarterback, AJ Green is an animal, and I like their new back Bernard. On the road with the division on the line, there is no way this team has not come to fruition and takes this game and takes the division. The boys head into the Playoffs and will be hosting a Divisional game. Ravens 30 Cincinatti 24

Let it be known that this Bye Week will mark a turning point in the season and I see Suggs coming out of this season as the Defensive leader that he was meant to be. Take a seat because Ball So Hard University is back in session.

This is the End: Certainly Not for Seth Rogen and Crew

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I went to see This is the End last night not feeling very optimistic that I’d be leaving the theater thinking “I may have just seen one of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen,” but to my own surprise I did.  The movie is quite literally an hour and 45 minutes of non-stop comedy that will make you cry you’re laughing so hard.  This movie seems to embody the very best of all of our favorite characters from Superbad, Pineapple Express, 21 Jump Street, East Bound and Down, etc.

The movie starts off with Jay Baruchel (She’s Out of My League) and Seth Rogen reuniting to try to re-spark their friendship in LA.  Rogen eventually convinces Baruchel to go to a party at James Franco’s house despite Baruchel’s initial hesitation.  From then on the movie hits the switch and you will be gasping for air in between laughs while wiping the tears from your eyes.  You better buckle your seat belt and hold on for dear life as you watch one of the most debauchery filled, inappropriate, and at times straight up raunchy films possibly ever.  From Michael Cera drug induced slap of Rihanna’s ass to Craig Robinson starting an impromptu music session entitled Take Your Panties Off this movie will make you laugh more than Lebron’s face will be on ESPN this week.

The star-studded cast of Jonah Hill, James Franco, Aziz Ansari, Emma Watson, Kevin Hart, Paul Rudd, Channing Tatum (may be the funniest character in the whole movie even though he’s only in it for like 2 minutes), Christopher Mintz-Plasse ( McLovin), and Mindy Kaling (from The Office) will go places you never thought actors playing themselves would go.  Even going as far to make fun of themselves and possibly tarnish their national reputation.

I must say though Danny McBride (Kenny Powers) takes the cake for his performance in This is the End.  He puts every other comedian/actor in this movie to shame with his tough-party-guy take-no-shit from anyone attitude allows him to put Rogen and crew in their place multiple times.

If you are not planning on seeing this movie I suggest you chickitty check yourself before you wreck yourself.  While the movie does try to use some BS apocalypse story to explain why the world is ending, it does not interfere with the story and laughs in the slightest. In fact it actually makes the ending come together quite nicely with some twists you will definitely see coming but will laugh at all the same.  Don’t miss out on what cold be the funniest movie of the year.

Calling the German Hammer Master to Help Rebuild the Jersey Shore

https://i2.wp.com/www.fine-tools.com/H302920.jpgAs a resident of the Jersey Shore, I’ve seen a fair share of construction work being done around my area over the last few months.  Construction companies often promise very unrealistic finishing dates for work which ends up pissing off the property owners and costing them even more money.  This could be the result of many workers having not received the proper training and/or certifications for their position.

That is why I would like to petition the German Hammer Master to come and train all of our construction workers here at the Jersey Shore.  Judging by his video application and title he is well versed in the use of a hammer.

Here is the video that I will be sending to the Governor to convince him of the Hammer Master’s poise and skill.

Whitey Bulger Trial Heating Up, This Guy Is A Boss

James “Whitey” Bulger, who served as the inspiration for Jack Nicholson’s character in the 2006 film, The Departed, is on trial for racketeering as well as 19 murder charges.  Bulger ran the infamous “Winter Hill” gang in South Boston during the 1970s and 1980s.  Like Nicholson’s character in The Departed, Bulger was secretly informing the FBI while running his gang, and in 1994 after receiving a tip from a crooked FBI agent about his impending arrest, Bulger fled Boston and remained on the run until his 2011 arrest.

This guy is the kind of fascinating individual that seems better-suited for Hollywood than real-life.  Whether through his depiction in The Departed or through his decade-long appearance on the FBI’s “10 Most Wanted” list, much of our nation’s population (especially in New England) has become enamored with Bulger.  Today, as reported by Reuters, John Martorano, one of Bulger’s key hitmen, testified about Bulger’s murderous activity in great detail.  Naturally after reading about the testimony, I went on an all-day information-gathering frenzy about Whitey.  Yes this guy encouraged drug trafficking and killed many innocent people, but to me he’s a boss, and I’m not afraid to express this opinion because it has become commonplace in our society to revere or at least follow guys like Whitey.  He’s fucked up and if people like him didn’t exist, our world would be safer and fairer.  But criminals do exist and always will exist; therefore, those who were or are the best at it deserve some form of admiration.  That’s why it’s Whitey’s turn to get the Philo-treatment, so here’s my list of his top 5 Boss moves (in chronological order):

  1. Drug Research

In 1956, at age 27, Whitey was sentenced to serve prison time in the Atlanta Penitentiary for robbery and hijacking.  He became involved in the MK-ULTRA program, which was a CIA operation focused on researching the effects of drugs using inmates as subjects.  Basically, someone came up to Whitey and said, “Hey, we can reduce your sentence if you agree to try LSD and marijuana daily.”  And White responded with something like, “Yeah bro, why the hell not?  How much do I owe you?”  Frat.

 

2.  Alcatraz

In 1959, Whitey was transferred from the Atlanta Penitentiary to Alcatraz.  Not much to say about this one, besides the fact that anything Alcatraz-related is pretty badass.  I feel like when you’re interviewing for a job in a gang, having Alcatraz on your resume is the criminal world version of Harvard Law School.  Whitey attended Alcatraz on a full-scholarship and graduated with high honors.

 

3.  First Murder

After “graduation,” Whitey joined the Killeen gang in Boston and quickly became involved in the Kileen-Mullen War of the early 1970s.  In his novel, mob-boss Kevin Weeks, describes how Whitey sought out Mullen gang member, Paulie McGonagle:

“Jimmy pulled up beside him, window to window, nose to nose, and called his name. As Paulie looked over, Jimmy shot him right between the eyes. Only at that moment, just as he pulled the trigger, Jimmy realized it wasn’t Paulie. It was Donald, the most likable of the McGonagle brothers, the only one who wasn’t involved in anything. Jimmy drove straight to his mentor Billy O’Sullivan‘s house on Savin Hill Avenue and told O’Sullivan, who was at the stove cooking, ‘I shot the wrong one. I shot Donald.’ Billy looked up from the stove and said, ‘Don’t worry about it. He wasn’t healthy anyway. He smoked. He would have gotten lung cancer. How do you want your pork chops?'”

“How do you want your pork chops?”  Fucking classic.

 

4.  Cleaning Up The Hood

Although he was involved in marijuana and cocaine trafficking, Whitey forbid the sale of drugs to children, and he prevented PCP from entering his neighborhoods.  This one is straight out of The Godfather.

 

5.  Winning The Lottery

In 1991, Whitey raked in $14 million from winning the Massachusetts State Lottery.  Sound sketchy?  Yeah, it most certainly is sketchy.  Bulger and his associates owned a South Boston liquor store, at which the winning lottery ticket was purchased.  Whitey forced the winner to claim that he was partners with Bulger and 3 other gangsters, so that the 4 men could share the winnings.  I’m not entirely sure how this didn’t seem a little suspicious to the lottery agency, or the Mass. government, but its ballsy as hell.  Classic Whitey Move.

 

 

Reuters’ Article:  http://www.reuters.com/article/2013/06/17/us-usa-crime-bulger-idUSBRE95G0PR20130617

 

 

-Slenderman

Funny Exam Answers at Top 30 University

These exam answers are from undergraduate level science classes at a university ranked in the top 30 according to the 2013 U.S. News and World rankings. Enjoy.

1) Plain Idiocy:

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Great Job. Way to be detailed. A for effort.

2) Terrible attempt at sophisticated answer:

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This person has the handwriting of a 6 year old. The second answer reads “Volcanoes release lava that grabs + traps fallen CO2 at the bottom of the ocean floor. Keeps the water cycle in check.” You don’t have to be Neil deGrasse Tyson to recognize how utterly incorrect that is.

3) Impeccable Spelling:

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Okay, now you’re just making up words kid. DeforestIZation. PhilosophIZer. Quit while you’re ahead.

4) One of The Guys:

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You sir, have figured out the game.

5) Circuitous but correct answer:

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This kid thinks he’s funny. But, really, he’s just that guy at a sports games who thinks shouting stupid things is funny. I hate that guy.

6) Classic frat/lax bro answer:

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-5centgypsy

Miss Utah Botches Question at Miss USA Pageant

I for one was not watching this last night, but I caught the only highlight worthy of showing from the Miss USA Pageant. Well…You nailed that one Miss Utah. “We need to try to figure out how to create education better.”  Actually what we need to do is send you back to grammar school because you can’t speak properly.

Erin Brady, Miss Connecticut, won the thing though. I’m not really into women that have this much definition. Really doesn’t do it for me.

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-OsandNattyBohs

Chris Christie and New Jersey’s Special Election

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As many may know, New Jersey Senator Frank Lautenburg passed away at the age of 89 earlier this month, leaving a vacant NJ senate seat.  You may not know that Frank Lautenburg started his political career in 1982 and was the last remaining WWII Veteran in Senate.

I was not sure of the protocol for electing a new senator in this situation, but after researching the issue I found that the Governor has the responsibility of appointing a representative of his or her choice.  However, Gov. Christie appears to disagree with the standard procedure and feels that holding a special election is the proper method to find a new Senator for the Garden State.  Critics of the election argue that New Jersey is already financially burdened, and this money could be utilized more diligently.  Republicans are also dismayed that Christie didn’t use this opportunity to strengthen the party’s presence in Senate by appointing a Republican to the seat.  Christie has stated that he believes holding an election is the only way to ensure a representative is elected who will be active in Senate and be a true representative of the people and not of party interests.

Christie feels that holding a special election will prevent a scenario in which New Jersey has an appointed representative who feels less accountable to the people because he was appointed rather than elected. Instead, their allegiance would lie with the Republican Party who appointed them to the position.

In my opinion the special election may not be the best idea for NJ right now since the state could definitely use the money to continue revitalizing shore communities in the wake of Hurricane Sandy.  Most of NJ is operational for the summer tourism season, but there is still tons of work to do to restore infrastructure along the shore. The boardwalks are not finished, work on beaches continues, and many businesses are still struggling after having to pay for damages resulting from the storm. Large amounts of rain in the early summer has further inhibited these restorative efforts and may lead to more spending by the state to aid local public works.

That all being said, I still understand why Christie is doing this.  To most of the public, especially New Jersians, it has become very apparent that Christie has his eye on making a run for the Presidency in 2016.  This special election is clearly an effort to reach across the aisle and show the Democrats that he is willing to work across party lines to find solutions to issues.  Following Hurricane Sandy, Christie has been very active in conversing with the POTUS and very public in his comments (both in support and in criticism) concerning his feelings towards the Federal Government’s handling of Sandy recovery efforts and aid.  This, in combination with his recent lap band surgery would seem to prove that Christie is in no way trying to hide his intentions.

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Anyone, regardless of their political affiliation, who doesn’t think Christie would make a great president clearly doesn’t know the guy.  He is very outspoken and passionate about issues and holds himself accountable for government actions. If the election for 2016 happened today he would definitely have my vote.  A president who is willing to put party politics aside and get things done is exactly what this country needs right now. Being that the Republican Party seems to be growing further and further out of touch with the average American (For example, Rep. Todd Akin thinking a female body can “shut down” a pregnancy before it occurs after a rape), a man of the people who wants to deal with issues rather then just talk about them like Christie is exactly what the party needs.

If you don’t like Christie or feel like you don’t know him well enough, take a look at him on Jimmy Fallon’s show Wednesday night.  You’ll definitely have a good laugh and get a taste of the man that could very well be leading our country in the near future.

– Jayto Descartes with help from 5centgypsy