So, with the NBA finals kicking off tonight, I’d like to write my first ever post on one of my favorite topics: Why Lebron sucks. Before everyone starts tweaking on me, I know, Lebron is a good player, a great player. Best athlete to ever play basketball, will be a top 5 player of all-time when he hangs it up, and sorry old people, he would beat Jordan in 1-on-1 (Seriously, dude is like 6’9” 260 with equal quickness, handles and defense to MJ… he’d light him up). This is merely a post about why the dude is so unlikeable
3. Receding Hairline
Seriously bro?? You think your fooling anyone with that headband gig? Your hairline is about 1.5 years from falling off the back of your head. You had three legitimate courses of action you could have taken, but you failed. You could have simply owned up to it, and said “I’m the best and richest athlete on the planet, so what if I look like I’m 48 years old. Suck my dick world!” Or you could have just shaved your entire head, left the whole thing as a mystery to be investigated by the Hardly Boys. Or (even better) you could have gone super douche-bron status and forced the rest of the Heat to shave receding hairlines into their heads so yours wouldn’t be so noticeable. Honestly it might be an improvement over the meth head look the Birdman has been rocking and the over-played flat-top fade of Norris Cole.
2. This Play:
Yeah he caught an alley-oop and he jumped rather high on the play, But are you fucking kidding me with that reaction? First of all hardo, this is a regular season NBA game, (that right there is enough to say that you should relax). Secondly, this was Jason “the Jet” Terry you dunked on. The Jet is basically the real-life version of Lil Bow Wow from Like Mike, and this year it was like he didn’t even have those dope sneaks. He’s fucking tiny! And easily one of the worst defenders in the league. If Bron Bron did anything other than posterize him, he’d be required to return his manhood and apologize to his own family immediately (and that includes Delonte West).
1. Family Life
Before you say that taking a jab at Bron’s family is a low-blow, just remember: 1. I don’t give a fuck, and 2. This guy made more money before his 21st birthday than the majority of us will make in our lives…. Moving on. Some people say Bron Bron’s fiancé, Savannah Brinson, is attractive, I say she’s a 6. Believe me, I know she’s not the ugliest wife or girlfriend of an athlete (ask Lamar Odom about the Kardashian who clearly ate all the leftovers), but he could do so much better. Yes she gave birth to his kids, but the dudes been famous since he was like 14, he could have been banging 10’s even in high school. His kids’ names also piss me off mightily. First son: Lebron Jr (who didn’t see that coming?). That kid is absolutely fucked (besides from the endless endowment). If he’s not dunking on kids in the 3rd grade rec league, he’s already failed to live up to his name. 2nd son: Bryce. Is this not the whitest name of all time?? Seriously this confuses me. I mean James Bryce sounds like a black dude, but Bryce James??? Anyway, that’s it for my first post. Basic idea: Bron the basketball player=money, Bron the dude= subpar.