Whitey Bulger Trial Heating Up, This Guy Is A Boss

James “Whitey” Bulger, who served as the inspiration for Jack Nicholson’s character in the 2006 film, The Departed, is on trial for racketeering as well as 19 murder charges.  Bulger ran the infamous “Winter Hill” gang in South Boston during the 1970s and 1980s.  Like Nicholson’s character in The Departed, Bulger was secretly informing the FBI while running his gang, and in 1994 after receiving a tip from a crooked FBI agent about his impending arrest, Bulger fled Boston and remained on the run until his 2011 arrest.

This guy is the kind of fascinating individual that seems better-suited for Hollywood than real-life.  Whether through his depiction in The Departed or through his decade-long appearance on the FBI’s “10 Most Wanted” list, much of our nation’s population (especially in New England) has become enamored with Bulger.  Today, as reported by Reuters, John Martorano, one of Bulger’s key hitmen, testified about Bulger’s murderous activity in great detail.  Naturally after reading about the testimony, I went on an all-day information-gathering frenzy about Whitey.  Yes this guy encouraged drug trafficking and killed many innocent people, but to me he’s a boss, and I’m not afraid to express this opinion because it has become commonplace in our society to revere or at least follow guys like Whitey.  He’s fucked up and if people like him didn’t exist, our world would be safer and fairer.  But criminals do exist and always will exist; therefore, those who were or are the best at it deserve some form of admiration.  That’s why it’s Whitey’s turn to get the Philo-treatment, so here’s my list of his top 5 Boss moves (in chronological order):

  1. Drug Research

In 1956, at age 27, Whitey was sentenced to serve prison time in the Atlanta Penitentiary for robbery and hijacking.  He became involved in the MK-ULTRA program, which was a CIA operation focused on researching the effects of drugs using inmates as subjects.  Basically, someone came up to Whitey and said, “Hey, we can reduce your sentence if you agree to try LSD and marijuana daily.”  And White responded with something like, “Yeah bro, why the hell not?  How much do I owe you?”  Frat.

 

2.  Alcatraz

In 1959, Whitey was transferred from the Atlanta Penitentiary to Alcatraz.  Not much to say about this one, besides the fact that anything Alcatraz-related is pretty badass.  I feel like when you’re interviewing for a job in a gang, having Alcatraz on your resume is the criminal world version of Harvard Law School.  Whitey attended Alcatraz on a full-scholarship and graduated with high honors.

 

3.  First Murder

After “graduation,” Whitey joined the Killeen gang in Boston and quickly became involved in the Kileen-Mullen War of the early 1970s.  In his novel, mob-boss Kevin Weeks, describes how Whitey sought out Mullen gang member, Paulie McGonagle:

“Jimmy pulled up beside him, window to window, nose to nose, and called his name. As Paulie looked over, Jimmy shot him right between the eyes. Only at that moment, just as he pulled the trigger, Jimmy realized it wasn’t Paulie. It was Donald, the most likable of the McGonagle brothers, the only one who wasn’t involved in anything. Jimmy drove straight to his mentor Billy O’Sullivan‘s house on Savin Hill Avenue and told O’Sullivan, who was at the stove cooking, ‘I shot the wrong one. I shot Donald.’ Billy looked up from the stove and said, ‘Don’t worry about it. He wasn’t healthy anyway. He smoked. He would have gotten lung cancer. How do you want your pork chops?'”

“How do you want your pork chops?”  Fucking classic.

 

4.  Cleaning Up The Hood

Although he was involved in marijuana and cocaine trafficking, Whitey forbid the sale of drugs to children, and he prevented PCP from entering his neighborhoods.  This one is straight out of The Godfather.

 

5.  Winning The Lottery

In 1991, Whitey raked in $14 million from winning the Massachusetts State Lottery.  Sound sketchy?  Yeah, it most certainly is sketchy.  Bulger and his associates owned a South Boston liquor store, at which the winning lottery ticket was purchased.  Whitey forced the winner to claim that he was partners with Bulger and 3 other gangsters, so that the 4 men could share the winnings.  I’m not entirely sure how this didn’t seem a little suspicious to the lottery agency, or the Mass. government, but its ballsy as hell.  Classic Whitey Move.

 

 

Reuters’ Article:  http://www.reuters.com/article/2013/06/17/us-usa-crime-bulger-idUSBRE95G0PR20130617

 

 

-Slenderman

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7th Grader Receives Verbal Offer From Kentucky

                First off, I’d like to apologize for my short hiatus. The Slenderman has officially relocated to DC, but don’t worry I’m still Boston Strong. I mean seriously, Ovie, Bryce, RG3, John Wall… this is the city of overrated athletes. But anyway, I’m back on the grid, and you can expect a constant stream of Major League-caliber blogging.  Now I’d like to discuss the recent trend of D1 schools offering scholarships to middle school children.  On Thursday, the University of Kentucky football program acknowledged making a verbal offer to 7th grade cornerback, Jairus Brents, who won’t graduate from high school until 2018.  This news comes just a few days after reports surfaced that UCLA had made an offer to an 8th grade quarterback.
                  Here’s my take on the issue, this kind of thing pisses me the fuck off.  Who benefits from this shit?? Seriously, from the kid’s perspective, he’s obviously being robbed of his youth.  Clearly he’s got one of those fathers who never made it and is unemployed, so he spend every waking second feeding his kid steroids, brainwashing him, and beating him into submission. I’m sure if this kid hadn’t been molded into a robot, he’d much rather be out breaking mailboxes, blowing off his fingers with Roman Candles, and searching for the ever elusive over-the-pants-handjob.
                  From the perspective of Kentucky Football, this also makes no sense.  It’s basically a lose-lose scenario.  So much can happen between the ages of 13 and 18, that this will likely be a wasted effort.  If this kid fills out and ends up like 6’2, 240, good luck playing him at corner (he could shift to linebacker, but that would involve a complete reworking of his skill set).  Even worse, what if after Jairus’s first blunt, he decides to pic up the mic, get inked the fuck up, and become the next Wiz Khalifa.  Or, even more likely, he continues to improve and by 2018 he’s the top prospect in his class.  Do you think he’s going to choose Kentucky because they made the 1st offer?? Fuck no, because Kentucky sucks.  This kid has Alabama and Nick Saban written all over him.
                   Basically I hate the culture of the NCAA.  Not only does it treat its athletes like slaves, but now it’s robbing them of their childhood and preventing them from spending time on what they should be doing: spitting game on Facebook messenger in an effort to get one of those OTPHJ’s.
More information can be found here.

-Slenderman

  • P.S: the ESPN article about Jairus claims he’s a well-rounded kid because he has a 3.7 gpa.  Who the fuck calculates a middle school gpa? Do you add up your gold stars and “student of the month” awards and divide that by your number of lunch detentions, or some shit?? SMH

How Google Finishes My Sentences

The “Let Google Finish My Sentence Game” is a fun little activity that I like to do when I’m bored and I want to see just how fucked up the world is.  I’m sure many of you indulge in this as well, but for those that don’t, this is how it works.  Type in a common phrase, and let Google make suggestions for how to finish the sentence or question.  The results are often disturbing, to say the least, but they reflect our society and how absurd people are (especially when communicating with a faceless search engine).  Here it goes:

Screen shot 2013-06-12 at 11.33.57 AM

Ew! Why don’t you try seeing a fucking doctor?!?

 

Screen shot 2013-06-12 at 11.38.38 AM

Why does my vagina itch? Hmm… once again, I think a doctor would be a good place to start.  To be honest, I actually had to utilize Google to figure out what the Kourtney thing was about.  Found out its just Kardashian bullshit.  And that disgusts me not only because that swamp monster is guzzling down butter on a daily basis, but also because clearly a significant amount of our population watches and is intrigued by the Kardashians.

 

Screen shot 2013-06-12 at 11.51.38 AM

Speechless….

 

Screen shot 2013-06-12 at 11.56.07 AM

1.  Great parenting!  2.  Come on man, get it together.  3.  I’m surprised this many crack addicts have internet access.  4.  Okay, you’re normal.

 

 

 

– Slenderman

Game of Thrones Characters Compared To Professional Athletes

So I’m already experiencing GOT withdrawal, and lately I’ve been reverting to reading the books and catching up on other topnotch television programs, such as Burn Notice, 2 Broke Girls, and Vegas.  As you may expect, this strategy has not worked, so instead I’m resorting to The Philo.  Here’s my list of 5 Game of Thrones characters and their professional athlete counterparts, because why the hell not, right?

1.  Joffrey Baratheon – Lebron James

tumblr_inline_mj7a44HGnd1qz4rgp   filepicker_Apiaq49TJ6aSFhlKOWNV_King_James_Lebron

Both have illegitimate claims of being King, both are hated by the masses.  Lebron, like Joffrey, controls his realm and continues to gain power as he ages.  Maybe if Bron Bron had a smokeshow on his side like Joffrey does, he’d have won more than just 1 battle (does that analogy make me a nerd?? fuck.)

2.  Jaime Lannister – Tom Brady

    Tom+Brady+New+York+Giants+v+New+England+Patriots+M1edjIWypJ1x

I’m not talking about the douchey season 1 and season 2 Jaime, I’m talking about the likeable, hero-esque season 3 Jaime, and I make this comparison for one reason.  Brady is so on top of the world that if you were to find out that he used to bang his sister, you’d be like, “Eh, at least he slays and he’s fucking great under pressure.”

3.  Brienne of Tarth – Brittney Griner

Brienne_S3    2012 NCAA National Championship Notre Dame vs Baylor

The whole sexual orientation thing kind of goes without saying, but a better point of comparison can be made in how these two chicks can absolutely emasculate a dude.  While Brienne can simply kick you in the chest or cut your head off, Griner will posterize you or swat your jumper and give you the Dikembe finger-wag (girl’s got sass).

4.  Hodor – Vince Wilfork

 

Like Hodor, Big Vince may look out of shape and simple, but when the going gets tough he has no problem putting the team on his back.

5.  Robert Baratheon – Antonio Cromartie

   

Discretion, consistency, condoms… 3 things these guys haven’t heard of.  Hurting people, being overpaid, impregnating women… 3 things these these guys know all about.  Compared to King Robert, Cromartie is a saint because although he may not know all of his kids’ names, he at least knows how many of them there are.

 

 

-Slenderman

Tebow to the Pats… Worth It!

Maybe it’s the perfect hair and stone-cold eyes.  Maybe it’s the undeniable athleticism and work ethic.  Or maybe it’s the fact that I’m waiting for a delayed flight with three 20 oz Shipyard Old Thumpers in me, but I am slobbing on Tim Tebro’s knob right now.  Mark my words, this signing will go 1 of 2 ways.  Either we’ll cut him during mini-camp without paying him a dime, or we’ll keep him and use him in the most brilliant and creative ways possible.  Belichick is an absolute wizard who thinks and executes things that are well beyond the scope of his peers.  I already can think of a few great uses for Tebow here in New England:

  • He can compete with Milan Lucic as a temporary replacement for Gronk at Tight End
  • Put him at outside linebacker to help out with our dismal pass-rush
  • He can supply the Pats with much of the Jets playbook so we can embarrass them even worse this year.  Remember he learned both the offense and the special teams playbook in New York
  • Train him as a ninja and have him run “Spy Gate Version 2” or should I say “Spy Gate Version 5 or 6” because we all know Belichick didn’t stop cheating after getting caught once (Bitch, Please!)
  • (This one’s the most likely) Play him as much as possible after we build up 5 touchdown leads early in the season.  If he does well, which is likely, we’ll create a big-time trade market for him.  Then we trade him for someone we actually need- WR? LB? CB? Who knows.

Either way two things are clear.  Belichick will make the most of Tebro, and I’m on my way to getting blacked out at the airport bar.  Here’s to you, Tebro!

 

Cheers,

Slenderman

NBA Finals Game 2 Recap

The Miami Heat beat the San Antonio Spurs 103-84 on Sunday night to tie the series at 1-1.  To be honest, this was the most lopsided game I’ve seen thus far in the 2013 playoffs.  The Heat absolutely dominated the 2nd half, and put the game out of reach with a 33-5 run.  You all know that I’m a Heat and Lebron hater, but my hat’s off to them with this game.  Seriously, when are the Spurs ever on the bad side of a 33-5 run?  In the Tim Duncan era, the Spurs have been the most consistent and poised team I’ve ever seen, which makes Game 2 absolutely shocking to me.  But that just goes to show how dangerous the Heat can be when they’re clicking.  I’ve often referred to the Spurs as the New England Patriots of basketball- Popovich is a brilliant but grumpy coach like Belichick, Duncan has been the face of the franchise for upwards of a decade, like Brady, and the team in general always gets it done without garnering the hype (much like the Pats).  This Spurs loss was the equivalent of the Pats just getting beat 42-0 by the 49ers (believe me, that’s not happening).  With that being said, here are my Points of Interest:

  • Bron’s block was the best block I’ve ever seen.  Splitter will forever be known by the play alone.  Still, though, Bron couldn’t do it without including some douche-baggery.  He swats the ball, then just stands their gloating like a fucking fool while his team runs down the floor.  Would Jordan or Magic or Kobe have stood there?? NO, they would run back to try to score because their focus was always winning, not throwing their dick around like a pompous shithead.

 

  • Mario Chalmers was the key to this game.  I’m a huge Kansas fan, so obviously Mario is my boy and I’m biased.  But, it’d be hard to argue that he didn’t win this game.  He pressured Tony Parker into 5 turnovers, ran the pick and roll to perfection, and used his silky jumper to put up 19 points.  If he keeps playing like this, this series is over.

 

  • Mike Miller is a very good basketball player.  I always liked Miller earlier in his career when he played for the Grizzlies because he was the rare white basketball player who wasn’t just a spot-up shooter or a stiff center (Kevin Love, Chandler Parsons, David Lee also fall into this category).  You could argue that Miller is nothing but a 3 point shooter, and it’s somewhat true at this point in his career, but he does a ton of unnoticed stuff on the court.  Makes great passes, dives all over the floor for loose balls, and rebounds with the big boys.  Basically, Miller’s got white-boy swag.  How the hell was Shane Battier getting minutes over Miller in the first place?? Battier can’t shoot, has no swag, and not to mention he’s got weird vertical lines on his bald head.

 

  • I love Kawhi Leonard.  This dude is 21 years old, and he basically never comes out of the game because he’s the only guy on the Spurs that can matchup with Lebron, and he accepts that challenge every game with no fear.  He plays on the wing and can shoot 3’s, but also has like an 8-foot wingspan and grabbed 11 rebounds in the 1st half alone.  Worst case scenario, I see Kawhi having an Andre Igoudala career, best case scenario he’s a poor-man’s Scottie Pippen

 

  • What’s up with the Heat fans doing the “Seven Nation Army” thing.  That’s the Ravens thing, stop trying to steal that shit.  You don’t see other mlb teams singing “Sweet Caroline” in the 8th inning- that’s the Sox thing.  Get your own tradition, you uncreative tan fucks!

 

-Slenderman

Titus Young Released From Jail: Over/Under 45 minutes Til He’s Back?

So (former? current? I don’t know) NFL wide receiver, Titus Young, posted bond today and has been released from jail.  He’s facing multiple misdemeanors and felonies for a May 11 break-in incident that escalated into an altercation with the police.  I’m going to go on record here and say that Titus Young is my favorite player in the NFL.  Dude demonstrates unbelievable commitment and creativity in his ability to get benched and arrested.  I’ll back that up with a quick Titus Young timeline- and keep in mind this guy is still only 23 years old

  • Fall, 2009- Suspended for most of his sophomore year at Boise State for fighting with teammate
  • May, 2012- Sent home from Lions training camp for sucker punching teammate, Louis Delmas
  • November, 2012- Suspended from Lions for intentionally lining up wrong in a regular season game (in an effort to sabotage his own team)
  • February, 2013- Released from Lions and claimed off waivers by the Rams.  Only to be released by the Rams 10 days later
  • May 5, 2013 (Here’s the best part)- Arrested twice in the same day for two separate incidents.  First arrest was just your standard DUI.  Second was for trespassing in a tow yard in an attempt to steal (reclaim?) his impounded car.
  • May 11, 2013- Completes the hat-trick and gets arrested for the 3rd time in a week for a break-in attempt.

So now everyone can breathe easy, America’s sweetheart, Titus Young, is back as a free man.  A lot of people (including crazy man Brandon Marshall) are pleading to Titus to clean up his act.  I, on the other hand, say he should go the other direction with it.  Why keep messing around as a slightly crazy man doing slightly serious crimes, when you can go full-retard, get even more famous, and earn even more of the Slenderman’s respect.  The next step is obviously to go for a Meta World Peace-esque name change.  I’m thinking something like:  “Eradicate Violence”.  Anyway, keep it up Titus!  We’re all cheering for you here at the Philo.

p.s- My favorite Titus tweet:

-Slenderman