This is the End: Certainly Not for Seth Rogen and Crew

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I went to see This is the End last night not feeling very optimistic that I’d be leaving the theater thinking “I may have just seen one of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen,” but to my own surprise I did.  The movie is quite literally an hour and 45 minutes of non-stop comedy that will make you cry you’re laughing so hard.  This movie seems to embody the very best of all of our favorite characters from Superbad, Pineapple Express, 21 Jump Street, East Bound and Down, etc.

The movie starts off with Jay Baruchel (She’s Out of My League) and Seth Rogen reuniting to try to re-spark their friendship in LA.  Rogen eventually convinces Baruchel to go to a party at James Franco’s house despite Baruchel’s initial hesitation.  From then on the movie hits the switch and you will be gasping for air in between laughs while wiping the tears from your eyes.  You better buckle your seat belt and hold on for dear life as you watch one of the most debauchery filled, inappropriate, and at times straight up raunchy films possibly ever.  From Michael Cera drug induced slap of Rihanna’s ass to Craig Robinson starting an impromptu music session entitled Take Your Panties Off this movie will make you laugh more than Lebron’s face will be on ESPN this week.

The star-studded cast of Jonah Hill, James Franco, Aziz Ansari, Emma Watson, Kevin Hart, Paul Rudd, Channing Tatum (may be the funniest character in the whole movie even though he’s only in it for like 2 minutes), Christopher Mintz-Plasse ( McLovin), and Mindy Kaling (from The Office) will go places you never thought actors playing themselves would go.  Even going as far to make fun of themselves and possibly tarnish their national reputation.

I must say though Danny McBride (Kenny Powers) takes the cake for his performance in This is the End.  He puts every other comedian/actor in this movie to shame with his tough-party-guy take-no-shit from anyone attitude allows him to put Rogen and crew in their place multiple times.

If you are not planning on seeing this movie I suggest you chickitty check yourself before you wreck yourself.  While the movie does try to use some BS apocalypse story to explain why the world is ending, it does not interfere with the story and laughs in the slightest. In fact it actually makes the ending come together quite nicely with some twists you will definitely see coming but will laugh at all the same.  Don’t miss out on what cold be the funniest movie of the year.

Calling the German Hammer Master to Help Rebuild the Jersey Shore

https://i2.wp.com/www.fine-tools.com/H302920.jpgAs a resident of the Jersey Shore, I’ve seen a fair share of construction work being done around my area over the last few months.  Construction companies often promise very unrealistic finishing dates for work which ends up pissing off the property owners and costing them even more money.  This could be the result of many workers having not received the proper training and/or certifications for their position.

That is why I would like to petition the German Hammer Master to come and train all of our construction workers here at the Jersey Shore.  Judging by his video application and title he is well versed in the use of a hammer.

Here is the video that I will be sending to the Governor to convince him of the Hammer Master’s poise and skill.

Chris Christie and New Jersey’s Special Election

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As many may know, New Jersey Senator Frank Lautenburg passed away at the age of 89 earlier this month, leaving a vacant NJ senate seat.  You may not know that Frank Lautenburg started his political career in 1982 and was the last remaining WWII Veteran in Senate.

I was not sure of the protocol for electing a new senator in this situation, but after researching the issue I found that the Governor has the responsibility of appointing a representative of his or her choice.  However, Gov. Christie appears to disagree with the standard procedure and feels that holding a special election is the proper method to find a new Senator for the Garden State.  Critics of the election argue that New Jersey is already financially burdened, and this money could be utilized more diligently.  Republicans are also dismayed that Christie didn’t use this opportunity to strengthen the party’s presence in Senate by appointing a Republican to the seat.  Christie has stated that he believes holding an election is the only way to ensure a representative is elected who will be active in Senate and be a true representative of the people and not of party interests.

Christie feels that holding a special election will prevent a scenario in which New Jersey has an appointed representative who feels less accountable to the people because he was appointed rather than elected. Instead, their allegiance would lie with the Republican Party who appointed them to the position.

In my opinion the special election may not be the best idea for NJ right now since the state could definitely use the money to continue revitalizing shore communities in the wake of Hurricane Sandy.  Most of NJ is operational for the summer tourism season, but there is still tons of work to do to restore infrastructure along the shore. The boardwalks are not finished, work on beaches continues, and many businesses are still struggling after having to pay for damages resulting from the storm. Large amounts of rain in the early summer has further inhibited these restorative efforts and may lead to more spending by the state to aid local public works.

That all being said, I still understand why Christie is doing this.  To most of the public, especially New Jersians, it has become very apparent that Christie has his eye on making a run for the Presidency in 2016.  This special election is clearly an effort to reach across the aisle and show the Democrats that he is willing to work across party lines to find solutions to issues.  Following Hurricane Sandy, Christie has been very active in conversing with the POTUS and very public in his comments (both in support and in criticism) concerning his feelings towards the Federal Government’s handling of Sandy recovery efforts and aid.  This, in combination with his recent lap band surgery would seem to prove that Christie is in no way trying to hide his intentions.

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Anyone, regardless of their political affiliation, who doesn’t think Christie would make a great president clearly doesn’t know the guy.  He is very outspoken and passionate about issues and holds himself accountable for government actions. If the election for 2016 happened today he would definitely have my vote.  A president who is willing to put party politics aside and get things done is exactly what this country needs right now. Being that the Republican Party seems to be growing further and further out of touch with the average American (For example, Rep. Todd Akin thinking a female body can “shut down” a pregnancy before it occurs after a rape), a man of the people who wants to deal with issues rather then just talk about them like Christie is exactly what the party needs.

If you don’t like Christie or feel like you don’t know him well enough, take a look at him on Jimmy Fallon’s show Wednesday night.  You’ll definitely have a good laugh and get a taste of the man that could very well be leading our country in the near future.

– Jayto Descartes with help from 5centgypsy

Bearly Legal Dunk Session

So we’ve been pretty busy here at Philosophizer working on a new project.  We should be able to show it to you by next week.

In the meantime I decided to combine some two things I often spending my time doing: listening to The White Panda, especially the new album Bearly Legal, and watching fat guys try to be athletic. Who doesn’t get a good kick out of watching 280 lb 5’6″ guys dunk on a 6′ net and think they’re sweet.  When you put these things together you get a very first and I hope entertaining Philosophizer Production – Bearly Legal Dunk Session.

– Jayto Descartes

North Korean Hockey Team?

While perusing Deadspin this afternoon I came across an article about the North Korean Hockey Team.  I like most you who just read that last sentence could only say ……What?  I had no idea North Korea had a hockey team that competed internationally.  Apparently the North Korean hockey team was playing in the IIHF Division III World Championships.  This is the lowest of all international hockey competitions highlighted by the global hockey powerhouses North Korea, Greece, Ireland, the U.A.E, Luxembourg, and South Africa. Do any of these countries even have naturally occurring ice in them? Most of these teams would likely lose to any decent high school hockey team in the US.  So I read further on in the story and found nothing all that surprising.  The team travels with a “team leader” who apparently films all team activities, I’m guessing to report back to the Supreme Leader.  The team also consists of a coach who speaks little English and got the job solely because of this.  He certainly didn’t get it because of his experience, he had never played hockey prior to getting the job.  This was all very unsurprising as I read about the hockey team from the perpetually mysteriously and, for lack of a better word, idiotic rebel state known to its residents as the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.  I then saw a link to pictures taken by Peter Cox, author of the article, during his time with the team.  This is when things got interesting:

All seems normal here.  Bunch of very serious looking North Korean fellas.  When all of a sudden……

Photos: The North Korean Hockey Team

Hey look at these guys having a good time…………… wait WTF are those North Koreans.  They better hope Supreme Leader isn’t wasting some time today by reading articles on Deadspin.  If he sees member of North Korean Hockey Team smiling with some random guy  may become a little bit more selective (and by selective I mean these guys were killed).   Also I’m not sure but I don’t think those guys have one of the government mandated haircut options.  Also who the fuck is this guy just hanging with a bunch of North Koreans like they’re not the biggest assholes on Earth.

Photos: The North Korean Hockey Team

This picture is what inspired me to write this post.  Just look at the equipment North Korea provides to their starting goaltender for international competition.  Dudes rocking like a 1985 Jofa helmet that would probably split into a million pieces if it took a shot from John Tavares to the grill.  At this point I’m thinking to myself, people are worried about North Korea attacking the US?  I don’t get it, clearly North Korea is about 25 years behind us in every department including hair styles, hockey equipment, and military technology.  After seeing this picture I’m guessing that North Korea won’t see Team America insult them till at least next decade.

Photos: The North Korean Hockey Team

Wow placed is packed!!!!  I’m surprised the North Koreans don’t send a group of government mandated fans with their team everywhere they go.

Photos: The North Korean Hockey Team

Moral of the story, North Korea is no threat to the US.  Anyone who thinks that North Korea isn’t to the US what every bad guy ever was to the Power Rangers is a fool.  If anything the North Korean government is comical in its attempts to convince the other countries that their people like them, that they’re advanced, and that they are a stable country.  Just look at the keyboard and mouse Kim Jong Un is using on this “high-tech military equipment.”  I’ve never seen anyone use that kind of a mouse except for maybe the 90-year old secretary working at my dad’s law firm.

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– Jayto Descartes

PS I’ll just leave this here.

Ice-T and Coco on Conan: Where Did Coco’s Thong Go? (Video)

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This morning I went on CNN.com expecting to catch up on the NSA monitoring scandal and other major stories of the day when I came across a video of Ice-T and Coco being interviewed on Conan. I instantly had to stop as I glanced across one of the headlines that read “Where Did Coco’s Thong Go.”  Obviously this instantly caught my attention expecting a story about how North Korea had stolen one of Coco’s thongs in an attempt to further annoy the United States and thus pushing us closer to nuclear war.  I was wrong though, sooo wrong.

Where did Coco’s Thong Go

Although Coco’s thong was the title of the video, it was Ice-T who stole the show for me.  Not only is he an accomplished actor and rapper with a celebrated career on the long standing crime drama Law & Order and with the rap group Body Count, he’s also married to the curvy Coco who has an attitude that can only be matched by Ice-T himself.  By the way, as I learned in the video clip he is also just a super hilarious guy.  Him and his wife (although mostly him) had me cracking up for the entire two minute clip CNN had up on their site.  Ice-T is just cracking jokes the whole time and at one point mentions how his wife’s ass is a cushion to prevent injury.  This of course is immediately after showing the Twitter pictures Ice-T had posted from their vacation with his seemingly nude wife tanning by the pool. Coco claims she is not nude, but rather that her “booty swallowed her thong up.” Coco also apparently is currently performing in a sort of burlesque show in Vegas which I guess Ice-T is cool with since shes being interviewed about it right next to him.  In my opinion Ice-T should start doing comedy because he is just a naturally funny guy who is clearly confident and doesn’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks, which I can’t say about many other actors and actresses that our world is plagued by today.  If you haven’t already, check out the video its hilarious and I guarantee you’ll love Ice-T by the end of it.

– Jayto Descartes

Game of Thrones Season 3 Look Back

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So a lot of crazy things happened this season that probably left most viewers in shock and awe (and possibly depression). Having had read through the first four books I can honestly say that the third was by far my favorite. This should make most readers optimistic since the third season of GOT brought us to about half way through the third book. So lets go through the major locations in the story this season and talk about where they are and where they are possibly going. **no spoilers I promise**

rob wolfWill start with the North and North of the Wall. The third season ends with John Snow splitting from the wildings he had sepnt the entire season with to finally return to the Nights Watch. This was a long time coming as many of you suspected I’m guessing. John Snow is far to noble to ever betray his brothers and break his oaths. John Snow now has what will likely be a difficult time as the wildling raiders that he had grown to like (and even love) are quickly approaching Castle Black to mount an offensive. With most of the Nights Watch still over the Wall or killed defending Castle Black this will not be an easy feat, not to mention the long awaited reappearance of the White Walkers. John Snow is fighting an uphill battle with a bum leg that does not look to promising. The third season leaves Bran following the three eyed raven through a tunnel in the Wall, with help from Sam, in an attempt to fulfill his so-called destiny. I won’t lie, Bran annoys the crap out of me and is super whiney. Also the Reeds are weird as shit. This was my least favorite story line in the book so I’m not going to say any more on it. The third, and I believe final story line in the North is that of Theon Greyjoy. His fate at the end of the third season is much more bleak then any of the other characters. Theon remains captive to the bastard of Roose Bolton and his sick perversions. With the removal of a certain appendage,no man ever hopes to lose, Theon is finally broken and takes the name Wreak. Lets just say Theon’s modified circumcision will likely not help his fate in the fourth season (or ever). Obviously the elephant in the room is the fate of Rob Stark his mother and the Tullys at the Red Wedding. Needless to say…… THEY’RE ALL DEAD………… are you ok yet? Get over it now you just have twenty million more reasons to hat the Lannisters and there are still a bunch of them left. Death is funny in a lot of ways, especially for the Starks (because it happens to all of them it seems like). Only a few Stark’s remain in the story, but I have a feeling they may turn out to be some of the most influential characters. They are all strong, smart, and most importantly seem to always know the moral high-ground, and take it. It is for this reason I think they will last despite the fact that their numbers are quickly depleting

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Next will take on King’s Landing. Lots is going on here with the marriage of Joffrey and Margaret right around the corner tensions are high. Tywin Lannister continues to rule with an almost iron (or golden if you will) fist over the Seven Realms and King’s Landing. After successfully eliminating Rob Stark, and winning the war ,he only has one more foe to deal with (or so he thinks). Tyrion Lannister’s recent marriage to Sansa is a constant point of attention as pressures mount for him to provide a baby for his father. This is not an easy task since his wife is about 15 and his mistress is his wife’s handmaiden. The fates of Tyrion, Sansa, Tywin, Joffrey, and Margaret all seem pretty set in stone at this point in the story with things calming down in King’s Landing after ROb Stark’s death. The final characters I have yet to mention are Cersei and Jamie Lannister. They are finally reunited after most of the second and third seasons with a sort of awkward meeting at the end of the season finale. Their fate together seems slightly less secure with their father now living in King’s Landing. Cersei is clearly not ecstatic with Jamie’s return at the end of the season finale especially when she sees what has become of his hand. With the war for the most part over and the marriage of the king right around the corner, King’s Landing would seem to be entering a time of peace and prosperity.

Melisandre the Red WomanThird will be Storm’s End and Stannis Baratheon. In a very interesting scene at the end of third season it is the Red Woman who ends up saving Davos Seaworth from Stannis’ wrath. After freeing Gendry to prevent his sacrifice, Davos admits to his crimes to the King and is sentenced to death. However, the Red Woman sees a need for Davos in the future if King Stannis is to be victorious. I just want to say right now that it is Stannis who has the most legitimate claim to throne (not saying he is who I want to see be king). With Joffrey being inbred and the Baratheons having won the throne by toppling the Targaryens, he would be next in line (if we forget about Gendry which everyone else has besides Stannis). Stannis’ fate at the end of third season is pretty cloudy. He clearly is still motivated to take the throne that is rightfully his, but a letter from the Nights Watch clearly shakes him in the season finale and may have altered his priorities.

dragonThe final location is across the Narrow Sea with many peoples favorite character Daenerys Stormborn, Mother of Dragons. After having just conquered Yunkai and freeing all the slave Dany is hailed as “mother” by the slaves. This seemingly justifies her decision to stay and conquer Yunkai rather then take the ships offered by Yunkai’s leaders and leave for Westeros. Things are certainly looking up for Dany and her ragtag group of exiles that’s for sure. I think many people are hoping to see her finally cross the Narrow Sea and take back the throne her family created in the next season. Although I wouldn’t be surprised if many people hope that she takes more baths in the next season as well.

All in all things in the world George R.R. Martin’s Game of Thrones are in utter turmoil especially with the loss of several main characters at the Red Wedding. With this season of GOT Martin showed that he was once again completely willing to make you grow to love characters before unceremoniously offing them. I think the only thing that came close to the emotion brought by the Red Wedding was Joffrey’s improv decision to cut off Ned Stark’s head. Although even that seems incomparable to the betrayal undertaken by Walder Frey. If anything is sure for the next season it’s that we can expect more twists and turns as we all try to figure out; Who will be next? Who will be king/queen when all the dust settles? and When will someone kill Joffrey already (am I right)?

Enjoy the summer because you know next year, right when you think the temperature is going to start going back up and all the snow is melting…………………… WINTER IS COMING!

– Jayto Descartes