7th Grader Receives Verbal Offer From Kentucky

                First off, I’d like to apologize for my short hiatus. The Slenderman has officially relocated to DC, but don’t worry I’m still Boston Strong. I mean seriously, Ovie, Bryce, RG3, John Wall… this is the city of overrated athletes. But anyway, I’m back on the grid, and you can expect a constant stream of Major League-caliber blogging.  Now I’d like to discuss the recent trend of D1 schools offering scholarships to middle school children.  On Thursday, the University of Kentucky football program acknowledged making a verbal offer to 7th grade cornerback, Jairus Brents, who won’t graduate from high school until 2018.  This news comes just a few days after reports surfaced that UCLA had made an offer to an 8th grade quarterback.
                  Here’s my take on the issue, this kind of thing pisses me the fuck off.  Who benefits from this shit?? Seriously, from the kid’s perspective, he’s obviously being robbed of his youth.  Clearly he’s got one of those fathers who never made it and is unemployed, so he spend every waking second feeding his kid steroids, brainwashing him, and beating him into submission. I’m sure if this kid hadn’t been molded into a robot, he’d much rather be out breaking mailboxes, blowing off his fingers with Roman Candles, and searching for the ever elusive over-the-pants-handjob.
                  From the perspective of Kentucky Football, this also makes no sense.  It’s basically a lose-lose scenario.  So much can happen between the ages of 13 and 18, that this will likely be a wasted effort.  If this kid fills out and ends up like 6’2, 240, good luck playing him at corner (he could shift to linebacker, but that would involve a complete reworking of his skill set).  Even worse, what if after Jairus’s first blunt, he decides to pic up the mic, get inked the fuck up, and become the next Wiz Khalifa.  Or, even more likely, he continues to improve and by 2018 he’s the top prospect in his class.  Do you think he’s going to choose Kentucky because they made the 1st offer?? Fuck no, because Kentucky sucks.  This kid has Alabama and Nick Saban written all over him.
                   Basically I hate the culture of the NCAA.  Not only does it treat its athletes like slaves, but now it’s robbing them of their childhood and preventing them from spending time on what they should be doing: spitting game on Facebook messenger in an effort to get one of those OTPHJ’s.
More information can be found here.


  • P.S: the ESPN article about Jairus claims he’s a well-rounded kid because he has a 3.7 gpa.  Who the fuck calculates a middle school gpa? Do you add up your gold stars and “student of the month” awards and divide that by your number of lunch detentions, or some shit?? SMH

Bearly Legal Dunk Session

So we’ve been pretty busy here at Philosophizer working on a new project.  We should be able to show it to you by next week.

In the meantime I decided to combine some two things I often spending my time doing: listening to The White Panda, especially the new album Bearly Legal, and watching fat guys try to be athletic. Who doesn’t get a good kick out of watching 280 lb 5’6″ guys dunk on a 6′ net and think they’re sweet.  When you put these things together you get a very first and I hope entertaining Philosophizer Production – Bearly Legal Dunk Session.

– Jayto Descartes

US Open Live Stream


We have been working on a big project over here at the Philo and have not been able to address the US Open. Yeah, I know. Take a lap. Regardless, my eyes will not leave this US Open livestream for the next two days until I can park my ass on my couch, beer in hand, and watch the action. Follow this link to livestream the US Open from work or home, whether it be your apartment or your parent’s basement. We don’t judge here. Just get in on the action.

US Open Live Stream


Guy Shoots Friend With Blow Dart Gun: I Need One Now


I came across this video this morning. It sounded dangerous, and after further review my predictions were correct. There is no way that this could have been conducted in a sober state. Regardless, that kid took it like a fucking champ! I loved the reaction. His buddy just shoots a dart through his hand, and they just tear it out like it’s nothing.

Regardless, I need one of these blow dart guns. That thing is huge. I can’t even tell if its regulation size or what. My life would be so much easier if I had one of these. If I wanted to get someones attention I could just whip it out and plant one in their shoulder. I’m sure that would do the trick.

If you have had any experience with a blow dart gun or know where to get one please let me know.


P.S. – I checked. A 4 foot blow dart gun is only 23 bucks. Easiest 23 dollars I have ever spent.


Hey, Apple and Jony Ive: Your iOS7 Redesign Fucking Sucks

On Monday the new iOS7 redesign was unveiled and guess what? It sucks.  Apple should be producing something revolutionary given the huge decreases in their stock price and instead we get a UX that looks like it came from a unicorn’s shit. They flattened the icons, changed the font and added rainbow colored gradients to EVERYTHING.  Since I don’t like to use the word gay to describe things negatively, I will use this phrase: flamboyant as fuck. Even though these aren’t the only change that were made to the OS, I was expecting something much more drastic.

Of course, this pitiful excuse for a redesign allowed for an amazing Tumblr to be born into the internet.  I give you Jony Ive Redesigns Things. This fantastic little website makes a mockery of Jony Ive’s design skills. This happens to be my favorite picture:

The problem is, I believe that was is actual inspiration. So sad…

Here are a few more good ones:


Manny Machado is Cal Ripken Jr. on Swag 9


It’s way too early in his career to start comparing Manny and the great 8. But I don’t care, I love it. The similarities are too striking, and if you can’t see it then you’re naive. This is what I think though: Manny Machado is Cal Ripken on Swag 9. What exactly does that mean? It means Manny has has the technical skills and numbers (.318/.353/.486 through June 12) to make a claim that he could be as good as Cal (.276/.340/.447 for his career), but on top of that he has so much swag it almost hurts. I know people compare Manny to A-Rod, but I hate A-Rod, and the Yankees, and I’m simply not goint to do that.


At 20 years old, he is leading the league through June 12 in doubles (28) and is also leading the AL in WAR (wins above replacement) with 3.9. He is doing all of this before the age of 21. That is bad ass. The kid can’t even legally have a beer until next month, and he’s out there tearing up the majors. To be honest, if there’s a guy who deserves to crack open a cold one for his play on the field, it’s this guy.

The real point I’m trying to make is really simple though. Cal Ripken Jr. was the face of the Orioles for over a decade. I thought Adam Jones was going to be that face, but I’m all in on Manny Machado right now. I think he is exactly what this organization needs, and I think he can be a staple in Baltimore for years to come. He is someone that kids can look up to and someone this city can be proud to have representing it. It’s amazing plays like this that will cement Machado’s legacy:

The display that Manny has put on this season has been beautiful and that wonderful GIF is just one testimony of the greatness he brings to this Orioles infield. Watching Manny routinely gobble up infield ground balls and sling them over to Chris “Crush” (Country) Davis for the out has been more satisfying than sex with a stranger. It’s gotten to the point where I simply know that any ball batted in the vicinity of third is going to be safely fielded by Manny. He just has Gold Glove written all over him. It will be interesting to see if and when the Orioles move Machado over to Shortstop, which is his true position.

I just want to say that I obviously hold Cal to a completely different standard when it comes to Baltimore greatness. While the similarities between Ripken and Machado are interesting, Ripken’s legacy in the city of Baltimore is timeless. His consecutive games record will never ever be broken. He is a true Baltimore legend. But I truly think we are watching a legend in the making in Manny Machado. The league itself has seen some truly incredible young talent over the past year when you look at Mike Trout and Bryce Harper (who I love). Mike Trout is an animal and Bryce Harper is pretty badass, but Manny Machado just has swag for days. I love it. If you’ve been down to The Yard and heard the “Manny” chants then you know exactly what I’m talking about. Just check out that Canadian tuxedo he’s rocking up there. My point exactly. Let me know what you think in the comments. I’d love to hear some diverse perspectives on this.

Peace hon,

P.S. Remember when Manny completely faked out everyone for this out? He’s not real.


North Korean Hockey Team?

While perusing Deadspin this afternoon I came across an article about the North Korean Hockey Team.  I like most you who just read that last sentence could only say ……What?  I had no idea North Korea had a hockey team that competed internationally.  Apparently the North Korean hockey team was playing in the IIHF Division III World Championships.  This is the lowest of all international hockey competitions highlighted by the global hockey powerhouses North Korea, Greece, Ireland, the U.A.E, Luxembourg, and South Africa. Do any of these countries even have naturally occurring ice in them? Most of these teams would likely lose to any decent high school hockey team in the US.  So I read further on in the story and found nothing all that surprising.  The team travels with a “team leader” who apparently films all team activities, I’m guessing to report back to the Supreme Leader.  The team also consists of a coach who speaks little English and got the job solely because of this.  He certainly didn’t get it because of his experience, he had never played hockey prior to getting the job.  This was all very unsurprising as I read about the hockey team from the perpetually mysteriously and, for lack of a better word, idiotic rebel state known to its residents as the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.  I then saw a link to pictures taken by Peter Cox, author of the article, during his time with the team.  This is when things got interesting:

All seems normal here.  Bunch of very serious looking North Korean fellas.  When all of a sudden……

Photos: The North Korean Hockey Team

Hey look at these guys having a good time…………… wait WTF are those North Koreans.  They better hope Supreme Leader isn’t wasting some time today by reading articles on Deadspin.  If he sees member of North Korean Hockey Team smiling with some random guy  may become a little bit more selective (and by selective I mean these guys were killed).   Also I’m not sure but I don’t think those guys have one of the government mandated haircut options.  Also who the fuck is this guy just hanging with a bunch of North Koreans like they’re not the biggest assholes on Earth.

Photos: The North Korean Hockey Team

This picture is what inspired me to write this post.  Just look at the equipment North Korea provides to their starting goaltender for international competition.  Dudes rocking like a 1985 Jofa helmet that would probably split into a million pieces if it took a shot from John Tavares to the grill.  At this point I’m thinking to myself, people are worried about North Korea attacking the US?  I don’t get it, clearly North Korea is about 25 years behind us in every department including hair styles, hockey equipment, and military technology.  After seeing this picture I’m guessing that North Korea won’t see Team America insult them till at least next decade.

Photos: The North Korean Hockey Team

Wow placed is packed!!!!  I’m surprised the North Koreans don’t send a group of government mandated fans with their team everywhere they go.

Photos: The North Korean Hockey Team

Moral of the story, North Korea is no threat to the US.  Anyone who thinks that North Korea isn’t to the US what every bad guy ever was to the Power Rangers is a fool.  If anything the North Korean government is comical in its attempts to convince the other countries that their people like them, that they’re advanced, and that they are a stable country.  Just look at the keyboard and mouse Kim Jong Un is using on this “high-tech military equipment.”  I’ve never seen anyone use that kind of a mouse except for maybe the 90-year old secretary working at my dad’s law firm.


– Jayto Descartes

PS I’ll just leave this here.